It's amazing what happens when we take some risk. If anything, I have finally learned how to take calculated risk. In retrospect, there are some people that cross your path who are worth it. And, there are those that are simply worthy of bothering someone else with all of their problems, issues, dramas, whinings, complaints, and daily negative problem attitudes.
I have decreased my desire to "help" people who need to be helped. I finally accepted that my responsibilities do not lie in saving the world, just my own. And, anything or anyone that comes into my space to threaten stability does not belong in my universe.
Period.
Over time, I have had to learn to maintain my boundaries. And, I have had to learn to simply not tolerate mess. My life is beautiful.
I can agree when you know what you want.
It's shows up in your life.
Period.
No questions asked.
You make decisions.
And, move on.
Part of the journey through myself has been me finding me at the core of my being and honoring the most authentic part of my internal self.
Rebirth.
New Life.
New Meaning.
New Purpose.
New Authenticity.
New Love.
New Joy.
New Happiness.
New Peace.
It's a wonderful feeling to be in my own authentic space in the universe:).
Sunday, April 4, 2021
Wednesday, May 13, 2020
$5,000.00 in Backyard Upgrades For 109 KRISTI PATH!!!
109 KRISTI PATH IS CLOSE TO DYESS AFB AND READY FOR IMMEDIATE MOVE IN!!!
$5,000.00 in CLOSING, 1 YR WARRANTY, and a 30 DAY LEASE PERIOD (If Needed)! KRISTI IS LIVING. CHARMING. DIFFERENTLY in this 4BD, 3BA 2257 SQFT with Custom Wood Panel Ceilings & Engineered Hardwood Floors! The Gourmet Kitchen has Floor to Ceiling Cabinets, Granite Countertops, a Beautiful Island, and a Decorative Tile Backsplash. The almost Acre Lot is Perfect to host Sports & Family Gatherings from the Outdoor Kitchen. 5 Minutes to Kirby Lake. Disclaimer: Furniture is Virtually Staged.
Contact Rashida at 214-471-5424 or rashidatherealtor1@gmail.com for a Showing appointment!
Friday, May 1, 2020
COVID-19 MORTGAGE MARKET CHANGES
Well, let’s start with the facts first. As of today 5/3/20 the FHLMC 30 Yr Mortgage Prime Rate is still hovering at 3.23%! These are absolute historic low!! Throughout history, we, as a country, have never seen rates quite this low.. It’s UNPRECEDENTED, UNHEARD OF! Therefore, if you are in a position to buy a home, CEASE this opportunity!!! The low rates are producing high volume for refinances, which means, that if you need a job and have any type of real estate finance or mortgage experience, guess what? Banks are hiring!! They’re begging people to come to work with such high demand.
Second, this current market...it’s the new normal. Yup, you hear it right, there’s is No going back to the way things were. Who remembers the 2008 Mortgage Crisis Recession Crash? Banks have had 12 Yrs to learn from mistakes. They’ve spent this time making sure that their risk management practices were tough so that when a crisis like this hit, they’d survive. Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers Anyone? Right, no one even remembers who they are anymore. The big banks aren’t sweating as much because they’ve spent all that time in the stance of “in the unlikely case of” scenarios.
Thirdly, Qualifying standards are tightening. On 4/11/20 JPMC announced that they would only approve loans with borrow who had a 700 Credit Score or Above. What does that mean for our Home Buyers? You will have to make sure your financial affairs are in line and order because the only way to get approval through this lender is having an A+ Credit Score.
Does that mean Buyers who have credit scores under 700 can't get approved? No, it just means they'll have to find a lender that services that market range.
Finally, the Sellers have had to make some adjustments. As Realtors we’ve added a new COVID-19 Addendum to extend contracts in case the virus has had an impact of the closing date being pushed out. Will your house still sell? Absolutely! It may just take a little longer than planned considering the current circumstances. If you are considering selling & haven’t listed the property yet, you may want to consider your states guidelines on the Shelter-In-Place Policy. This will have an impact of your final outcome. Your home will still sell. You just may need to exercise some patience in the process.
Thursday, August 24, 2017
8.24.17, The Passive Aggressive...
You know one day you come across something and it strikes a chord in recognizing a pattern in the type of men you have been attracting into your life & dating....this article speaks volumes right now #EphiphanyMoments
https://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=31053.0
The Passive Aggressive
There are many childhood set ups for this way of coping but most often there is a domineering mother and a father who is ineffectual. There are power struggles in the marriage with one parent backing off and withdrawing. The boy feels trapped between choosing loyalties at home. He is afraid to compete with his father who is absent either physically or emotionally or perceived as being inadequate. In the typical mother dominant-father passive relationship, the boy learns that the job of being a man in relationship is to escape the woman's needs and subsequent demands.
The young boy is not allowed to express his feelings and develop a sense of self. He wants his mother's attention and care yet he resents her continual intrusion. His anger grows but he cannot express it so it becomes submerged and is expressed in an unconscious ‘You can't tell me what to do.' He is not allowed to get his way by direct confrontation and competition so he learns to displace his anger through resistance. He learns to use charm, stubbornness, resistance and withdrawal to protect himself in y struggles. He rebels by becoming moody, being an underachiever or developing behavior problems. His self protectiveness and duplicity from the squelched anger and hostility becomes a habit that he plays out with other women he meets. He desperately seeks a woman to meet his needs of being accepted for who he is, but puts her off with small, continual acts of rebellion. He replays the distancing drama of his original family in the relationship.
The man with passive aggressive behavior needs someone to be the object of his hidden hostility. He needs an adversary whose expectations and demands he can resist as he plays out the dance he learned from his parents. He chooses a woman who will agree to be on the receiving end of his disowned anger. He resists her in small ways setting up a pattern of frustration so that she gets to express the anger that he cannot.
The biggest irritant in being with a passive aggressive man is that he doesn't follow through on his agreements and promises. He dodges responsibility while insisting he's pulling his weight. He often ignores reality as to his irresponsibility and withdrawal. He denies evidence, distorts minimalizes or lies to make his version of reality seem logical.
He uses vague language to sandbag the partner. Inconsistency and ambiguity are his tools of choice. He withholds information and has a hidden agenda. He can't take criticism and makes excuses to get himself off the hook. He sulks and uses silence when confronted about his inability to live up to his promises, obligations or responsibilities. When he doesn't follow through, he puts the blame on his partner so he doesn't have to take it and accuses her of having the problem.
The man with this type of pattern shows little consideration of the time, feelings, standards or needs of others. He obstructs and block progress to others getting what they want and then ignores or minimalizes their dissatisfactions and anger. He is silent when confronted as he has never learned to compromise. He may be a workaholic, a womanizer, hooked on TV, caught in addictions or self-involved hobbies.
He may have multiple relationships with women as a way of keeping distant from one fully committed relationship. He is confused about which woman he wants and stays caught between the two women in his life not being able to commit fully to either. He is confused and can't understand why the women get so angry with him. He feels others demand too much of him so resists in overt and subtle ways and feels deprived if he must give in to others. The man who copes with conflict by not being there has strong conflict over dependency. He desperately wants attention but fears being swallowed up by the partner. He can't be alone and live without a woman in his life, but can't be with a partner emotionally. He's caught in a Catch 22--wanting affection but avoiding it because he fears it as his destruction. He resents feeling dependent on the woman so must keep her off guard. He makes his partner feel like a nothing through his neglect or irritability but he keeps her around because he needs her. His script is ‘Be here for me, but don't come too close and don't burden me with your needs or expectations.'
He has such strong fears of intimacy deep in his unconscious mind so he must set barriers up to prevent a deep emotional connection. He is clever at derailing intimacy when it comes up by tuning out his partner and changing the subject. He must withhold part of himself to feel safe and may withdraw sexually. Closeness and intimacy during sex may make him feel vulnerable and panicked bringing forth his deepest fears of dependency upon a woman. The passive aggressive man lives an internal loneliness; he wants to be with the woman but stays confused whether she is the right partner for him or not. He is scared and insecure causing him to seek contact with a partner but scared and insecure to fully commit.
Due to the wounding from childhood, he is unable to trust that he is safe within the relationship. He fears revealing himself and can't share feelings. His refusal to express feelings keeps him from experiencing his sense of insecurity and vulnerability. He often denies feelings like love that might trap him into true connection with another human being. He feels rejected and hurt when things don't go his way but can't distinguish between feeling rejected and being rejected. He pushes people away first so he won't be rejected. He is often irritable and uses low-level hostility to create distance at home. The relationship becomes based on keeping the partner at bay. He often sets up experiences to get others to reject or deprive him. He is noncommittal and retreats, feeling put upon and burdened by partner's requests for more closeness. He becomes a cave dweller to feel safe.
The man with passive aggressive actions is a master in getting his partner to doubt herself and feel guilty for questioning or confronting him. He encourages her to fall for his apologies, accept his excuses and focus on his charm rather than deal with the issue directly. He blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger rather than his own ineptitude. When backed into a corner, he may explode and switch to aggressiveaggressive behavior then switch back to passivity. He keeps his partner held hostage by the hope that he will change. He may appease her and clean up his act after a blow up for several weeks, then it's back to business as usual.
The passive aggressive man is the classic underachiever with a fear of competition in the work place. He cannot take constructive feedback from others. His fear of criticism, not following through and his inability to see his part in any conflict keeps him from advancing on the job.
You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs. They care for you the way they care for a favorite pair of slippers or an old easy-chair. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs. The sad thing is, they can sweet talk you, know all the right things to say, to make you believe that you are loved and adored by a someone who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.
If forced to deal with the problems you’re having due to their behavior, they will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will almost never admit that they were wrong no matter how much evidence you show. They have their own version of reality and will work at making your view distorted.
While most men are having sex with their partner in order to connect more deeply with her, the passive aggressive man withholds sex from his partner in order to keep himself safe and to show her who the boss is. Sex is a weapon to be used, not a way of connecting more emotionally.
These people are usually unaware that the difficulties they encounter in their life are the result of their own behavior. They do not connect their passive resistant behavior to the hostility or resentment other people feel towards them. Dealing with passive aggressive people can be crazymaking. You feel dismissed, shut down, ignored… but in a subtle enough way that you don’t know how to react. At some point, you explode.
He Hurts Everyone in His Path, Including Himself
They're the men who seem so nice, and trustworthy. They don't hurt you out in the open, but in a very subtle way, you may not even be aware of. Just the same, they can hurt the people they say they care about the most.
A passive-aggressive man usually grows up in a household which may have a parent who is either passive-aggressive, or overbearing and controlling. If he really has bad luck, he may grow up with both. When the boy decides to be weak, unassuming, and afraid to stand up for himself. Ergo, he asserts himself in passive aggressive ways. This ends up hurting allot of the people he truly cares for.
The passive aggressive man is very often seen as the nice guy that would do anything for anybody. He never says "NO", at least not out loud, to any request anyone makes of him. He is often everybody's token doormat. What most people don't know is there's a volcano ready to erupt inside this man. He is too afraid to speak up and tell you what he thinks. Therefore, he goes about his life sneaking around doing things he doesn't want anybody to know about, getting back at people in ways that have nothing much to do with why he's really mad, and not standing up to the person, or persons, he needs too. He then ends up hurting those he cares about.
Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person's feelings may be so repressed that they don't even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.
Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:
They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.
The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.
He may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.
The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.
Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don't get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.
The Passive Aggressive and You:
The passive aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his or her hostility. They need someone whose expectations and demands he/she can resist.
The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.
The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.
The passive aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels, their ego is fragile and can't take the slightest criticism so why let you know what they are thinking or feeling? God forbid they disclose that information and you criticize them.
Inside the Passive Aggressive:
The passive aggressive has a real desire to connect emotionally but their fear of such a connection causes them to be obstructive and engage in self-destructive habits. He will be covert in his actions and it will only move him further from his desired relationship with you.
The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices they make that cause others so much pain.
The passive aggressive objectifies the object of their desire. You are to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his own emotional needs. You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs but as an extension of him. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs.
The passive aggressive wants the attention and attachment that comes with loving someone but fears losing his independence and sense of self to his spouse. They want love and attention but avoid it out of fear of it destroying them. You have to be kept at arms length and if there is an emotional attachment it is tenuous at best.
I’m about to fill you in on a little secret. Anger plays a role in passive aggressive behavior. Yep, that passive aggressive spouse that is driving you insane is angry as hell and full of grief. The passive aggressive deals with anger in one of two ways. Either they have no control over their anger or they have problems expressing their anger.
Adults who have no control over their anger and those who have no idea how to express their anger are grieving. They are grieving the loss of something that was rightfully theirs. Their right to entertain themselves regardless of societies or their parent’s beliefs of what was right or wrong. The right to be heard and cared for regardless of how addicted a parent was to alcohol or drugs. They are grieving the right to express love or negative feelings or a desire for parental attention without fear of punishment.
It is about loss, the loss of normal things any child should expect from a parent. Instead of grieving that loss in a normal way, they internalize it and compensate by being overly aggressive or overly passive. The grief shows itself in behaviors that are destructive to themselves and anyone who engages in a relationship with them.
The spouse feels responsible in some way. That is the sneaky thing about living with a passive aggressive individual. They don’t know how to properly express anger but they are geniuses when it comes to shifting the blame and projecting their own bad behavior off onto their spouse.
Next time you are trying to make sense of some nonsensical behavior by your spouse remember you are dealing with a wounded, damaged child. Don’t make excuses for him/her. Don’t take responsibility for their inability to properly express their grief and anger. Understanding why someone acts the way they do does not mean excusing their hurtful actions.
Knowledge is power.
https://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=31053.0
The Passive Aggressive
There are many childhood set ups for this way of coping but most often there is a domineering mother and a father who is ineffectual. There are power struggles in the marriage with one parent backing off and withdrawing. The boy feels trapped between choosing loyalties at home. He is afraid to compete with his father who is absent either physically or emotionally or perceived as being inadequate. In the typical mother dominant-father passive relationship, the boy learns that the job of being a man in relationship is to escape the woman's needs and subsequent demands.
The young boy is not allowed to express his feelings and develop a sense of self. He wants his mother's attention and care yet he resents her continual intrusion. His anger grows but he cannot express it so it becomes submerged and is expressed in an unconscious ‘You can't tell me what to do.' He is not allowed to get his way by direct confrontation and competition so he learns to displace his anger through resistance. He learns to use charm, stubbornness, resistance and withdrawal to protect himself in y struggles. He rebels by becoming moody, being an underachiever or developing behavior problems. His self protectiveness and duplicity from the squelched anger and hostility becomes a habit that he plays out with other women he meets. He desperately seeks a woman to meet his needs of being accepted for who he is, but puts her off with small, continual acts of rebellion. He replays the distancing drama of his original family in the relationship.
The man with passive aggressive behavior needs someone to be the object of his hidden hostility. He needs an adversary whose expectations and demands he can resist as he plays out the dance he learned from his parents. He chooses a woman who will agree to be on the receiving end of his disowned anger. He resists her in small ways setting up a pattern of frustration so that she gets to express the anger that he cannot.
The biggest irritant in being with a passive aggressive man is that he doesn't follow through on his agreements and promises. He dodges responsibility while insisting he's pulling his weight. He often ignores reality as to his irresponsibility and withdrawal. He denies evidence, distorts minimalizes or lies to make his version of reality seem logical.
He uses vague language to sandbag the partner. Inconsistency and ambiguity are his tools of choice. He withholds information and has a hidden agenda. He can't take criticism and makes excuses to get himself off the hook. He sulks and uses silence when confronted about his inability to live up to his promises, obligations or responsibilities. When he doesn't follow through, he puts the blame on his partner so he doesn't have to take it and accuses her of having the problem.
The man with this type of pattern shows little consideration of the time, feelings, standards or needs of others. He obstructs and block progress to others getting what they want and then ignores or minimalizes their dissatisfactions and anger. He is silent when confronted as he has never learned to compromise. He may be a workaholic, a womanizer, hooked on TV, caught in addictions or self-involved hobbies.
He may have multiple relationships with women as a way of keeping distant from one fully committed relationship. He is confused about which woman he wants and stays caught between the two women in his life not being able to commit fully to either. He is confused and can't understand why the women get so angry with him. He feels others demand too much of him so resists in overt and subtle ways and feels deprived if he must give in to others. The man who copes with conflict by not being there has strong conflict over dependency. He desperately wants attention but fears being swallowed up by the partner. He can't be alone and live without a woman in his life, but can't be with a partner emotionally. He's caught in a Catch 22--wanting affection but avoiding it because he fears it as his destruction. He resents feeling dependent on the woman so must keep her off guard. He makes his partner feel like a nothing through his neglect or irritability but he keeps her around because he needs her. His script is ‘Be here for me, but don't come too close and don't burden me with your needs or expectations.'
He has such strong fears of intimacy deep in his unconscious mind so he must set barriers up to prevent a deep emotional connection. He is clever at derailing intimacy when it comes up by tuning out his partner and changing the subject. He must withhold part of himself to feel safe and may withdraw sexually. Closeness and intimacy during sex may make him feel vulnerable and panicked bringing forth his deepest fears of dependency upon a woman. The passive aggressive man lives an internal loneliness; he wants to be with the woman but stays confused whether she is the right partner for him or not. He is scared and insecure causing him to seek contact with a partner but scared and insecure to fully commit.
Due to the wounding from childhood, he is unable to trust that he is safe within the relationship. He fears revealing himself and can't share feelings. His refusal to express feelings keeps him from experiencing his sense of insecurity and vulnerability. He often denies feelings like love that might trap him into true connection with another human being. He feels rejected and hurt when things don't go his way but can't distinguish between feeling rejected and being rejected. He pushes people away first so he won't be rejected. He is often irritable and uses low-level hostility to create distance at home. The relationship becomes based on keeping the partner at bay. He often sets up experiences to get others to reject or deprive him. He is noncommittal and retreats, feeling put upon and burdened by partner's requests for more closeness. He becomes a cave dweller to feel safe.
The man with passive aggressive actions is a master in getting his partner to doubt herself and feel guilty for questioning or confronting him. He encourages her to fall for his apologies, accept his excuses and focus on his charm rather than deal with the issue directly. He blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger rather than his own ineptitude. When backed into a corner, he may explode and switch to aggressiveaggressive behavior then switch back to passivity. He keeps his partner held hostage by the hope that he will change. He may appease her and clean up his act after a blow up for several weeks, then it's back to business as usual.
The passive aggressive man is the classic underachiever with a fear of competition in the work place. He cannot take constructive feedback from others. His fear of criticism, not following through and his inability to see his part in any conflict keeps him from advancing on the job.
You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs. They care for you the way they care for a favorite pair of slippers or an old easy-chair. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs. The sad thing is, they can sweet talk you, know all the right things to say, to make you believe that you are loved and adored by a someone who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.
If forced to deal with the problems you’re having due to their behavior, they will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will almost never admit that they were wrong no matter how much evidence you show. They have their own version of reality and will work at making your view distorted.
While most men are having sex with their partner in order to connect more deeply with her, the passive aggressive man withholds sex from his partner in order to keep himself safe and to show her who the boss is. Sex is a weapon to be used, not a way of connecting more emotionally.
These people are usually unaware that the difficulties they encounter in their life are the result of their own behavior. They do not connect their passive resistant behavior to the hostility or resentment other people feel towards them. Dealing with passive aggressive people can be crazymaking. You feel dismissed, shut down, ignored… but in a subtle enough way that you don’t know how to react. At some point, you explode.
He Hurts Everyone in His Path, Including Himself
They're the men who seem so nice, and trustworthy. They don't hurt you out in the open, but in a very subtle way, you may not even be aware of. Just the same, they can hurt the people they say they care about the most.
A passive-aggressive man usually grows up in a household which may have a parent who is either passive-aggressive, or overbearing and controlling. If he really has bad luck, he may grow up with both. When the boy decides to be weak, unassuming, and afraid to stand up for himself. Ergo, he asserts himself in passive aggressive ways. This ends up hurting allot of the people he truly cares for.
The passive aggressive man is very often seen as the nice guy that would do anything for anybody. He never says "NO", at least not out loud, to any request anyone makes of him. He is often everybody's token doormat. What most people don't know is there's a volcano ready to erupt inside this man. He is too afraid to speak up and tell you what he thinks. Therefore, he goes about his life sneaking around doing things he doesn't want anybody to know about, getting back at people in ways that have nothing much to do with why he's really mad, and not standing up to the person, or persons, he needs too. He then ends up hurting those he cares about.
Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person's feelings may be so repressed that they don't even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.
Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:
They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.
The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.
He may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.
The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.
Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don't get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.
The Passive Aggressive and You:
The passive aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his or her hostility. They need someone whose expectations and demands he/she can resist.
The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.
The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.
The passive aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels, their ego is fragile and can't take the slightest criticism so why let you know what they are thinking or feeling? God forbid they disclose that information and you criticize them.
Inside the Passive Aggressive:
The passive aggressive has a real desire to connect emotionally but their fear of such a connection causes them to be obstructive and engage in self-destructive habits. He will be covert in his actions and it will only move him further from his desired relationship with you.
The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices they make that cause others so much pain.
The passive aggressive objectifies the object of their desire. You are to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his own emotional needs. You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs but as an extension of him. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs.
The passive aggressive wants the attention and attachment that comes with loving someone but fears losing his independence and sense of self to his spouse. They want love and attention but avoid it out of fear of it destroying them. You have to be kept at arms length and if there is an emotional attachment it is tenuous at best.
I’m about to fill you in on a little secret. Anger plays a role in passive aggressive behavior. Yep, that passive aggressive spouse that is driving you insane is angry as hell and full of grief. The passive aggressive deals with anger in one of two ways. Either they have no control over their anger or they have problems expressing their anger.
Adults who have no control over their anger and those who have no idea how to express their anger are grieving. They are grieving the loss of something that was rightfully theirs. Their right to entertain themselves regardless of societies or their parent’s beliefs of what was right or wrong. The right to be heard and cared for regardless of how addicted a parent was to alcohol or drugs. They are grieving the right to express love or negative feelings or a desire for parental attention without fear of punishment.
It is about loss, the loss of normal things any child should expect from a parent. Instead of grieving that loss in a normal way, they internalize it and compensate by being overly aggressive or overly passive. The grief shows itself in behaviors that are destructive to themselves and anyone who engages in a relationship with them.
The spouse feels responsible in some way. That is the sneaky thing about living with a passive aggressive individual. They don’t know how to properly express anger but they are geniuses when it comes to shifting the blame and projecting their own bad behavior off onto their spouse.
Next time you are trying to make sense of some nonsensical behavior by your spouse remember you are dealing with a wounded, damaged child. Don’t make excuses for him/her. Don’t take responsibility for their inability to properly express their grief and anger. Understanding why someone acts the way they do does not mean excusing their hurtful actions.
Knowledge is power.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
7.28.12, Marriage Advice From My Mentor:^)
7.28.12.
Something struck me sometime this month thy my mentor said...when I first read it back in March I thought to myself, "I am already the person I want to be....Aren't I? Why would I want to become anything else?" I didn't realize that he was coming from 40+ Years of living and being married divorced, and now happily married again after saving his second marriage by making an internal choice to deal with his Ish. In my 30 Something Mind I thought, "I have been working all this time to become who I am Now. I'm Fabulous, what else do I need to do?" As the following months of healing unfolded....I saw exactly what he was saying to me....and this part of my life is called Ra Ra is 'Full Grown'.
Here were his words, maybe they'll inspire you to grow like they did me:).
"The key now is to understand yourself, what makes you tick, what is important and why. How did you become the person you are and are you willing to put in the work required to become the person you really want to be?
Seek answers to those questions and it may help you determine if your ideal relationship needs to be redefined now. It certainly will later, but maybe it does now." ~My Fabulous Mentor=He Rocks!
3.24.12, Marriage Advice from My Mentor:~)
God has blessed me with some absolutely Amazing Annointed people in my life who have guided me in my career and Personal Life at every Pivotal turning points. This was advice on relationships from my Freakin Awesome Mentor! HE ROCKS times INFINITY & BEYOND! I Love him & am so thankful for the blessings light and love he's spread into my universe. This advice will help anyone sorting through their ideas of relationships & marriage for personal growth:).
Namaste, Ra
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"Rashida, let me tell you what I’ve learned….your ideas of marriage are 100% valid and do NOT have to be reshaped at all, provided they are God-centered and consistent with the virtue of love. This of course includes monogamy as well as dedication and commitment to the spouse and their well being above that of all others.
Anything you desire, as long as it is consistent with those values, is fine. Here’s the thing. Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be really, really good! You are able to have a perfectly good marriage, one that satisfies you and provides a nurturing environment for you and your son, if you are willing to forego those things about your relationship that are less than your ideal. Just know that it will take some work on your part to learn to ignore those things and find contentment in the things you do have. If you do not adopt a mindset that says: I’ll focus on what my relationship provides instead of what it doesn’t, you will never be content. You will oscillate constantly between satisfaction and frustration.
Here’s the other thing: you can have EXACTLY what you want, your ideal relationship, a perfect 10 of 10 - plus maybe a couple more you didn’t even realize were possible. You just have to be willing to wait for it.....Frustration comes when you try to force the relationship, to expect something from your mate they are unwilling, unable or not yet capable of providing you.
As time passes you may find however, what you want - the things that are important to you in a relationship – may change. The gap between what you desire and what you really need may get significantly smaller, primarily because you learn to supply those things yourself and not rely on someone else to deliver them.
The key now is to understand yourself, what makes you tick, what is important and why. How did you become the person you are and are you willing to put in the work required to become the person you really want to be?
Seek answers to those questions and it may help you determine if your ideal relationship needs to be redefined now. It certainly will later, but maybe it does now.
Be patient and stay prayerful.
Peace and Blessings."
Told Ya' He ROCKS!
I have done enough healing this month to last me the rest of my life....whooaaa, blog break maybe, Lol!
Something struck me sometime this month thy my mentor said...when I first read it back in March I thought to myself, "I am already the person I want to be....Aren't I? Why would I want to become anything else?" I didn't realize that he was coming from 40+ Years of living and being married divorced, and now happily married again after saving his second marriage by making an internal choice to deal with his Ish. In my 30 Something Mind I thought, "I have been working all this time to become who I am Now. I'm Fabulous, what else do I need to do?" As the following months of healing unfolded....I saw exactly what he was saying to me....and this part of my life is called Ra Ra is 'Full Grown'.
Here were his words, maybe they'll inspire you to grow like they did me:).
"The key now is to understand yourself, what makes you tick, what is important and why. How did you become the person you are and are you willing to put in the work required to become the person you really want to be?
Seek answers to those questions and it may help you determine if your ideal relationship needs to be redefined now. It certainly will later, but maybe it does now." ~My Fabulous Mentor=He Rocks!
3.24.12, Marriage Advice from My Mentor:~)
God has blessed me with some absolutely Amazing Annointed people in my life who have guided me in my career and Personal Life at every Pivotal turning points. This was advice on relationships from my Freakin Awesome Mentor! HE ROCKS times INFINITY & BEYOND! I Love him & am so thankful for the blessings light and love he's spread into my universe. This advice will help anyone sorting through their ideas of relationships & marriage for personal growth:).
Namaste, Ra
-------------------------------------------
"Rashida, let me tell you what I’ve learned….your ideas of marriage are 100% valid and do NOT have to be reshaped at all, provided they are God-centered and consistent with the virtue of love. This of course includes monogamy as well as dedication and commitment to the spouse and their well being above that of all others.
Anything you desire, as long as it is consistent with those values, is fine. Here’s the thing. Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be really, really good! You are able to have a perfectly good marriage, one that satisfies you and provides a nurturing environment for you and your son, if you are willing to forego those things about your relationship that are less than your ideal. Just know that it will take some work on your part to learn to ignore those things and find contentment in the things you do have. If you do not adopt a mindset that says: I’ll focus on what my relationship provides instead of what it doesn’t, you will never be content. You will oscillate constantly between satisfaction and frustration.
Here’s the other thing: you can have EXACTLY what you want, your ideal relationship, a perfect 10 of 10 - plus maybe a couple more you didn’t even realize were possible. You just have to be willing to wait for it.....Frustration comes when you try to force the relationship, to expect something from your mate they are unwilling, unable or not yet capable of providing you.
As time passes you may find however, what you want - the things that are important to you in a relationship – may change. The gap between what you desire and what you really need may get significantly smaller, primarily because you learn to supply those things yourself and not rely on someone else to deliver them.
The key now is to understand yourself, what makes you tick, what is important and why. How did you become the person you are and are you willing to put in the work required to become the person you really want to be?
Seek answers to those questions and it may help you determine if your ideal relationship needs to be redefined now. It certainly will later, but maybe it does now.
Be patient and stay prayerful.
Peace and Blessings."
Told Ya' He ROCKS!
I have done enough healing this month to last me the rest of my life....whooaaa, blog break maybe, Lol!
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